Broken But Blessed
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. — Psalm 34:18
Sometimes I feel like such a phony. Since the release of my memoir, Little Girl Crying, I have received so many lovely emails, comments, and even reviews saying how “courageous”. “strong”, and “amazing” I am. When I read such wonderful comments, I always think to myself, “They can’t possibly be referring to me!” I do not feel worthy of any one of those comments, because I feel weak, pathetic and well, like a hot mess more days than I like to admit. I stumble and fall and often let my fear override my faith. Like I said, a hot mess! After the spiritual encounter and miracle that healed the eating disorder roughly nine years ago, I enjoyed a much-needed and long respite from my emotional problems. It was the most peaceful and joyful period of my life. But this year that’s all changed, and the depth of my emotional brokenness has become very evident to me and those that know me best. While the eating disorder is now a thing of the past, the wounds remain. Because of these wounds and the devastating psychological effect they often have on me I fall down … often. But, by God’s grace I get up again. I find myself at times questioning and doubting …. but I cling to Jesus, and again find my faith. I am broken, but I am blessed.
God’s grace sustains me by giving me the strength I need moment by moment. While I might struggle with times of weakness, doubt, and fear, and feel anything but strong, courageous or amazing, I do have one thing going for me that never waivers — my love and devotion for, and to the Lord. That doesn’t falter — ever. It is my guiding light, and my saving grace. I live for Him — to love and serve Him. No matter how much I hurt, I can’t give up, and I won’t give in to the psychological pain I deal with. In doing so I’d hurt the One I adore more than anything else in the world — Jesus. I’ve carried this love for Jesus for as long as I can recall. It is one of my greatest blessings. It anchors me, and it always has through every storm I’ve faced. Why He loves the mess I am I do not know. See, what did I tell you? Broken, but blessed!
I know I am not alone in my brokenness. We are all broken. While I don’t enjoy hurting the way I sometimes do, I have been blessed by it and through it. I do not think I would be doing the work I am doing for the Lord had it not been for the suffering and brokenness. It has opened my heart to feel the suffering of others in a way I can not explain. I have learned so very much from my brokenness. There are things I know I likely would have never learned in any other way, and things I am still learning — things like surrendering the brokenness.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. — 2 Corinthians 4:7
If you are anything like me surrendering is something that is difficult. It goes hand in hand with trusting. I think because of physical abuse and emotional neglect at the hands of my own parents my trust was violated, so the concept of surrender and trust is a hard one for me. It isn’t that I don’t surrender to God, it’s just that instead of leaving what I surrendered in His more than capable hands, I go and ruin it all by trying to figure things out on my own again. It is a cycle I repeat often, and that is discouraging to me. But I am learning and have come to understand that surrendering is not a place in which we necessarily “arrive” but a continual act of submitting daily — even minute by minute if need be. If I say a prayer of surrender and pick up what I’ve laid at His feet in the next minute, I get to try again. I believe Jesus sees what’s in our heart. He knows our intentions and why we struggle with things like faith, trust, and surrender. He will help meet us in our weakness. Being a Christian doesn’t mean we don’t fall — it means Jesus will catch us when we do.
Whatever those broken pieces are for each of us personally, we must surrender them to God. We must yield to Him and His ways, and what He is allowing into our lives — even the brokenness. Sometimes we carry a cross that is so heavy and burdensome that we don’t believe we can go on another moment. In those moments there is only one thing left we can do, surrender it to Him. Let God take your brokenness and use it not only for the good of your soul, but for the good of another. There are so many great people we read about in the Bible — think Paul, David, or Mary Magdalene, — that were broken vessels. But once they surrendered to God, He used their brokenness in truly great and mighty ways. Broken, but oh so blessed!
Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice. Psalm 51:8
Today’s music video is a prayer from my memoir, Little Girl Crying, that I set music to and included on my new CD: Songs of Praise and Worship Inspired by the Memoir Little Girl Crying. If you have the book, you will find “Surrender Prayer” on page 450. I hope you will go there now and sing along. Let us offer this prayer up to the Lord as we surrender our pain … our brokenness … our very lives to our infinitely loving Creator and Heavenly Father.
In Christ’s Love,
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